Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
