I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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