so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Randomize
