You just made me feel so damn special
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
