Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
