sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Randomize