I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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