I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
