I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Randomize
