Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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