I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
