Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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