Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
