and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
