Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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