I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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