My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Randomize
