I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
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