i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
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