Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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