u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
