I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
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