i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
