Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
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