FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Randomize