felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I'm too high and old for this...
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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