I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Randomize
