i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
How does it feel to date your dad?
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize