I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
he had hair everywhere except his balls
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
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