if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
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