Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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