Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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