Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
