I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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