He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
home. puking in laundry basket.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
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