Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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