he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
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