Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
