one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
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