Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
