think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
