Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
A+ Viking dick
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize