it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I just want to make out with him forever
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
