There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
