I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
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