my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Found your dick twin last night
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
