it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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