The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Randomize
