Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Randomize