R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
Randomize
