Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I smell like Dick and happiness
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
