I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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