That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
