I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Randomize
