The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
