About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Ladies don't puke and tell
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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