Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
