I wanna passion pit in your ass
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Randomize