Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
