i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Randomize
