And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
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