Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize