4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
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