i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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