I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
