you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
