Don't make out with my wife yet
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Randomize
